[Note: All mention of the term ‘Advanced Genius’ refers to the musical theory that an artist who creates something bad might actually be creating a work so good one can’t comprehend it.]
As pop music makes its slow, monolithic march to the Cathedral of Ungodly Riches, there will invariably be curmudgeonly former stars who, in a vain effort to reintroduce their name as a trending topic on Twitter, strike their blunt axes at a pop phenomenon who has done nothing wrong.
It is a profoundly sad reality, and one that has pained the existence of a not-so select few. Coldplay was attacked mercilessly for its post-symphonic riches-to-rags tale “Viva La Vida,” Lil Wayne was knocked around by some guy named Mick for repurposing one of his songs as the chorus to a much more prescient rap song and countless others have been accused of ripping off everyone from The Beatles to obscure German sonic composers.
Unfortunately we live in a society were even the most forward thinking pop songs of our era can come under the scrutiny of those who have had their 15 minutes, but want more. I say with a heavy heart that our own blessed Katy Perry has been brought to the guillotine.
Perry is perhaps the most Advanced pop star on the planet. Forget Gaga and ignore your skinny-jeaned neighbor who told you to check out Robyn.
The Great White Hope of the girl-pop scene is Perry, who has succeeded in no small part because she has large breasts.
The son of a preacher, Perry actually released two albums in the early Aughts as a gospel singer before turning to the groundbreaking pop genre. Her first album in her new identity was met with indifference, and her first single from her second album, One Of the Boys, was called “Ur So Gay,” which established her as at least a bigot. Then, as you all know, Perry began the trek to becoming an Advanced Genius by liberating herself and admitting to being at least a little bisexual with “I Kissed a Girl.” She then made a song about the act of having sex while going through menopause, which people tend to forget is a highly Advanced career turn.
She’s dated an indie-rapper (Travie McCoy) and now shacks up with a former heroin addict turned rock star comedian (Russell Brand)—both highly Advanced men to date during the reign of being a pop tart.
Completing the journey to becoming an Advanced Genius, Perry owes this last stage of her career to Brian Wilson. You may know Wilson from his work with The Beach Boys and his masterwork Pet Sounds. Wilson is actually an almost Advanced Genius, having quietly dipped into the world of rapping. But his moment in the sun has come and gone, much to his chagrin.
So, in a vain attempt to get everyone to listen to “Wouldn’t It Be Nice?” one more time, Wilson has sued Perry over her recent single “California Gurls.”
The song itself flirts with the idea of Advancement, as it is quite possibly the only song ever created past, present or future that rips off both The Beach Boys and Ke$ha. Its video prominently features Snoop Dogg, the board game Candy Land, a troupe of dancers who all appear to be rejects from the Mickey Mouse Club, and Perry ejaculating whipped cream from her heaving breasts. As you have undoubtedly already surmised, it’s magnificent.
Wilson wants to ruin that magnificence. He wants to steal from Perry, the Advanced Genius, because of a misspelled title and the notion that great art of the past must be respected in the present. Cunning public relations master that he appears to be, Wilson actually praised the song a couple of weeks before levying the hammer of geriatric justice on it.
Beach Boys fans, wherever they are, will undoubtedly come out of their shells to support Wilson, and the battle will be on. People will ‘boo’ Perry for her “wonton display of disrespect,” when she owes nothing to Wilson. He’s an old, forgetful little man who is standing in the way of the greatest pop star of our time.
We have to stop Brian Wilson. One way or another, we must make sure that Katy Perry the Advanced Genius continues her triumphant reign over the pop charts. A woman who cannot dance, cannot sing, cannot write and cannot come up with original song titles is at the helm of pop music, the greatest cultural force of our time. This is the fulfillment of a lifelong dream. We have an Advanced Genius plebian in control, and we cannot let the bourgeois Brian Wilson steal her away from us.
The wheels of progress will not stop turning for you, Wilson, just because you wrote one of the greatest songs of all time! You are finished! Perry is the future! She’s fine, she’s fresh, she’s fierce and she has something on lock! If you will not release Perry’s millions of dollars from the clutches of your lawsuit, you AARP member, we will be forced to rise up and burn all the copies of Smile. It will be a bonfire disco-haters would be proud of.
We stand behind you Katy Perry, Advanced Genius.