It’s 10:30 p.m. on a Wednesday night and you’re sitting in the tree across the street from her bedroom, donning binoculars and keeping observation notes a serial killer would blush at—you’re definitely not stalking her. You’re not crazy. You’re just making sure she’s safe. And if not, you’re there to protect her, right?
We get it. You’re into her, but she’s not into you, or she broke up with you because you “care” too much. Her catching you in the same place three, four, nine times a day is purely coincidence. And your commenting on her every Facebook post is just because you’re opinionated, right?
You don’t have to admit you’re stalking her, but here are songs from five artists who totally empathize with you.
“Every Breath You Take” – The Police
Sting’s lost someone, and he refuses to let that person off the hook. Because his poor heart aches, he’s vowed to watch with every step that person takes. Sting’s vocals are sincere, and you feel sorry for him when he cries, “Can’t you see/You belong to me?” When he whispers, “Every move you make … I’ll be watching you,” akin to a late-night phone call with heavy breathing at the other end of the line, it seems like a stealthier tactic than creeping on someone in person.
“I Put A Spell On You” – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins
With a bluesy brass section that hauntingly waltzes around Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ neurotic howls, this is for those hoping to hold captive the mind and behavior of their love interest to control them without physical force. Hawkins was known for his pioneering efforts as the original “shock rocker,” so it’s fitting he’d pen a song wherein he cackles before screaming, “I love you/I don’t care if you don’t want me, I’m yours right now.”
“Charlene (I’m Right Behind You)” – Stephen and the Colberts
With a simple 1980s-sounding, keyboard-and-drum combo, our favorite news commentator, Stephen Colbert, goes for the more sincere, schoolboy attempt to follow his love. Colbert forgoes voodoo or threats to watch her every step, and instead follows Charlene the old-fashioned way through taking pictures of her, looking down from up above her from a blimp, or just standing right behind her.
“One Way or Another” – Blondie
Debbie Harry takes a more aggressive approach with her stalking. With a danceable rhythm and punky bite signature of Blondie’s sound, Harry sexily warns her stalkee of her plan of inevitable attack. She also has an escape plan, which ends with Harry giving the stalkee the slip (she’ll trick ya, she’ll trick ya).
“Private Eyes” – Hall & Oates
It’s so easy for Daryl Hall and John Oates to play off a criminal offence as harmless flirtation with Hall’s sing-along vocals and Oates’ luscious ‘stache. But, things get weird when the duo cuts to the chorus (and in the video, don trench coats and fedoras) and reveal their private eyes who apparently have been watching the woman. What starts as a crafty way of telling the woman that the singer isn’t fooled by her games, ends up inciting a restraining order when Hall sings, “They’re watchin’ you, watchin’ you.”