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Campaign Songs: The B-Side

written by: on August 28, 2012

What if, for once, presidential candidates didn’t choose campaign songs that were all about America, Jesus, bald eagles, and stars and stripes? Here’s a list of five b-side campaign songs. These non-pop lyrical hopefuls would not only tickle the American funny bone, but they might be more in line with the politicians’ true natures—narrow-minded religion, money, scandal, prostitution, hating your spouse and strippers. So these songs will probably never make the cut, but who wouldn’t want to see Mitt Romney cut a rug to “All I Do Is Win”?

“Ballad of a Politician”–Regina Spektor

Averaging at least one ominous track per album, Regina Spektor sings about the life cycle of a politician and how it all seems premeditated. “A man inside a room is shaking hands with other men / This is how it happens / Our carefully laid plans / Shake it, shake it baby / Shake your ass out in that street / You’re gonna make us scream someday / You’re gonna make it big,” she sings.

“All I Do Is Win”DJ Khaled–(feat. Ludacris, T-Pain, Snoop Dog and Rick Ross)

One all-too-important qualification politicians (especially presidential candidates) must possess is limitless self egos and unending cash flows. In “All I Do Is Win,” DJ Khaled, along with Ludacris, T-Pain, Snoop Dog and Rick Ross, have strippers, money, fast cars and winning on their minds. All of those things seem pretty on-par with what it takes to win an election. “All I do is win, win, win no matter what / Got money on mind, I can never get enough / And every time I step up in the building / Everybody hands go up.”

“When the President Talks to God”–Bright Eyes

Count on Bright Eyes’ Conor Oberst to protest politics and religion. Though “When the President Talks to God” is a clear whack at George W. Bush, it easily applies to other public servants throughout the country. Political wannabes need to have thick skin and have to be prepared for dealing with their haters. “Does God suggest an oil hike / When the president talks to God?” asks Oberst.

“You Don’t Have To Be A Prostitute”–Flight of the Conchords

As soon as someone steps into the political limelight, they are often followed by a fleet of skeletons exhumed from their closet. Male prostitution, however, would make for one hilarious scandal. “He’s selling cheap thrills to pay expensive bills / But check your resume, you must have some other skills / Don’t you have other skills? / Like typing?”

“No Children”–The Mountain Goats

At the end of the campaign trail, the election hopefuls certainly must be sick of putting on a suit, smiling and kissing babies all day. The non-stop traveling and showboating has to get stale. “No Children” is the painfully honest tell-all anyone in politics can probably relate to. “And I hope when you think of me years down the line / You can’t find one good thing to say.”