Saint Pepsi – “Fiona Coyne”

on July 19, 2014 Directed by:

This is the story of a dude and his boner, as depicted by a disco ball.

Dude wakes up to find his boner ball deflated and he is, naturally, concerned. He strokes the boner ball lovingly before hooking it up to a record player, which somehow makes it hard again. (Actually, that would make some sense, assuming the record was '90s R&B.)

The boner ball follows the dude into the bathroom and is like, “Let’s party!” but dude is like, “Fuck off, I’m trying to floss.” Boner ball ain’t going down that easy, though. It makes the dude toast and everything is cool between them. If only all relationships could be solved with a slice of crisp bread.

So dude walks onto the street, toast and boner ball in hand, only to find that everybody in the world is making out with each other. Homeless people. People with glasses. People with ironic mustaches.

Literally everyone can get some except for this dude.

He spots a random lady across the street and is like, “Hey, now’s my chance!” but someone else swoops in before he’s able to put his mouth on her mouth, which is a shame, because this dude put so much effort into making his mouth not smell like coffee and last night’s 1 a.m. shame tacos. The boner ball starts to deflate out of sadness.

More people make out for a hot minute while this dude just stands there watching them like a creep and his boner ball begins to reach critical levels of flacidness. If his life were a craigslist ad, it would read, “WANTED: Literally any woman.”

He goes to work, where people are (shockingly) making out. You can see by the dude’s face that he’s sick of this shit. He lovingly strokes his boner ball again. (Oh, boner ball. I’d do anything to bring you back to me. I’d even make out with an uggo. There’s nothing I would not sacrifice.)

Then a woman walks in—a real woman with boobs and feminine facial features! She’s got everything!—and boner ball perks right up. She is obviously The One, since she didn’t start making out with anyone else in the five seconds that this dude saw her, so he decides to chase her down the street. ROMANCE.

He apparently follows her for hours, because this romance-stalk started during the day and night has fallen by the time he follows her to some party. The boner ball is literally quivering with anticipation, and the woman is like, “Oh, dude I saw for five seconds in that office! You followed me all the way here! How sweet and totally not creepy of you.” They make out and I guess the boner ball just explodes out of excitement (it’s okay, it happens to everyone) because now glitter is raining down on their faces. That’s gonna be a bitch to clean up in the morning.