• Listed
Picnic with records

Music’s Most Obnoxious Couples

written by: on April 25, 2011

Okay, all you single ladies and gents, commence shuddering, because we’re talking about couples. That’s right. Actual, human couples, the bane of any sensible person’s existence. Hate ’em or tolerate ’em, they’re here to stay, and we’ve got a sweet little list of the music industry’s most obnoxious duos. Enjoy, because it’s better to laugh than to shed bitter tears, alone.

10. Beyonce & Jay-Z: Circa “Crazy in Love,” these multimillion-dollar sweethearts were and young and spectacularly in love and ready to conquer the world! Fast-forward a few years later, and not only are they still happily married, but the ubiquitous pair now seems poised to become our overlord. They might consider a vacation to one of their many islands, lest their supernatural brilliance obliterate their subjects in a flash of blinding light.




9. Kurt Cobain & Courtney Love: It’s a simple yet endlessly quoted phrase: opposites attract. No musical couple on this list embodies this sentiment more than Kurt and Courtney. Shy, introspective, Cobain nevertheless chiseled out a name for himself as an undisputed icon for shy and introspective kids everywhere. Love, however, seemed determined to ride the Teenage Drew Barrymore Express to Crazy Town, and, depending on whom you ask, she hasn’t fallen off yet. While this doesn’t necessarily make them obnoxious as a couple, Love still indulges in enough media-rousing antics for the both of them.



8. Matt & Kim: In an apparent bid to remain quirkily approachable, these two have done away with surnames. So they’re just you’re friendly, boho-neighborhood married couple, the kind that might amble arm-in-arm, sharing a smoke and claiming every inch of the sidewalk, while you desperately seek an opening through which you might steal in your race to an appointment you’re already late for. Or, you know, they might get off on stripping naked and outrunning the cops. Sunglasses up, everybody! This is some white heat:




7. Justin Timberlake & Britney Spears: Surely the shadowy syndicate behind the Mickey Mouse Club arranged this coupling. Maybe the two teen pop stars seemed like a natural fit, but time has revealed Timberlake to be a talented, engaging performer, while Spears is an android who must undergo more reconfigurations as time goes on and her original wiring malfunctions.



6. Tim McGraw & Faith Hill: They’re kind of like the Jay-Z and Beyonce of pop country, but they can’t possibly be as entertaining. Imagine, maybe a few years down the line, that you’ve been invited to the McGraw-Hill home for a backyard barbeque. Their children chase yours through the sprinkler. A golden retriever rests at Faith’s feet while she sips at a glass of merlot. Tim discusses the Tour de France with the neighbor, who just happened to start watering his plants at the exact moment you all ventured out onto the patio. Aside from your merry-making, everything is quiet. The air is … still. And in this vacuum you suddenly realize how empty this all feels. You reach into your pocket for your car keys, but by then it’s too late. Someone has fetched Faith and Tim their instruments. Congratulations, you’ve been chosen to sit through an intimate set of the couple’s greatest hits.




5. Zooey Deschanel & Ben Gibbard: For when “cute” is just too damn cute.



4. Vanessa Hudgens & Zac Efron: Though they’ve since drifted into the realms of feature-film “acting” and exhibitionism, this on-and-off pair will never shake their ties to the “High School Musical” franchise. And no matter how many skin-bearing photos their Disney handlers secretly release to the public, the cheese-eating grins and lukewarm chemistry on display in those movies will forever serve as a warning for anyone who aspires to embark on a double-date with them.




3. Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin: Country Strong, Glee, a return to Glee … Fine, Gwyn, we’ll acknowledge you as a musician, if only so you can appear on this list alongside your husband, frontman for  “the biggest band in the world.” Just remember: Coldplay may have its defenders, but they’ve also bored a lot of people into comas. If showbiz execs keep tossing you the mic, you’re liable to do the same. For you I offer another endlessly quoted phrase: “With great power comes great responsibility.” Good luck to you both!



2. Bethany Cosentino (Best Coast) & Nathan Williams (Wavves): It’s probably because their respective musical output is insufferable at worst, white noise at best, but the pair tends to attract more attention by presenting themselves as stoner prom royalty (that is, when Williams isn’t having a meltdown in front of an audience). Yet despite the mellow vibes her hipster-baiting music induces on the susceptible, there isn’t much solid evidence to suggest Cosentino’s a grade-A pothead. As for Williams, grinders emblazoned with his project’s logo are a step in the right direction, but you’re nothing until you have a strain of weed named after you. And even then, it’d better be a topnotch smoke.




1. Pete Wentz & Ashlee Simpson: They’d already committed a slew of offenses against taste before their marriage, and although they filed for divorce this year, this pair constituted one of the most unholy unions in popular music history. Honest, upstanding citizens wrestled with anxiety over the possibility of chancing upon the nefarious duo during one of their masked outings. Sure, the couple claimed they did it just to ward off the paparazzi, but the cabal of devil worshippers down the street says otherwise.